s.j. In Focus

Dear  Hannesli,

I’m sorry. I’m
sorry for the choices I make that keep you struggling and make it harder for
you to move on from your past. I put you in the corner and rather ignore your
cry, yet in the agony of silence I know I can hear you. My withheld anger towards
the people who made your life unhappy has left you most of the time in sorrow. Isolation
has become your friend, and if someone comes along to make things easier for
you I distrust and drive them away, I believed it was for your own good if they
don’t know about you. But I was
selfish, many times in the past I let you down, I should have spoken up when
you needed me to.

I admire your self
reliance and self-acquired principles. Through
your struggle you have gained talents and become sensitive to the things around
you. You have become
your own shepherd and follow your own star, but more than often I mislead you
to shallow happiness and into the hands of narrow minded people.

My
insecurities have hurt you more than once, it was never my intention to do so.
You should know that your tears run through my eyes, but my weakness refuses to
let anyone near you to give you a hug, it’s easier for me to lock you up in the
closet. You keep on trying to reach out, but you’re hunting and it makes me
uncomfortable. All you wanted is letting me know that no one but me can put an
end to your suffering.

I hope in time you
will forgive me for being afraid and mistreating you. I love you, and I know someday
you will meet someone who can take care of you better than I manage to. As you
run into that person’s arms, I wish she would see you, despite of me, and
inspire you to let me go. But until then
I promise I’ll try my best to find my way towards my horizon, and to your
happiness… I’m sorry for being weak.
Will you hold my hand and lead me?

Happy Birthday.

Love,
s.j.

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